The Monsters Are No Longer Under The Bed!
They are back where they’ve always been …in your head.
I remember turning off my bedroom light and then taking a running leap to land on the bed, so the monsters wouldn’t get me. I was also concerned about the man in my closet. It’s strange that as a child I understood that the shadow in my closet wasn’t a man but a projection of my imagination. Even so, my fear was real.
This article was inspired by a retro Calvin and Hobbes cartoon that portrayed this very relatable childhood fear. Fast-forward 50 years and there are still some evenings when I come home and I check all the closets and yes, I check under the bed. I’ve come to accept that sometimes, that is what it takes to convince me that the Bogey man isn’t hiding in my house waiting to get me. It is a reflection of my level of generalized anxiety on any given day. I’m still afraid at night. I am not afraid of the dark, just what might lurk unseen in the dark. This fear is so relatable and so difficult to oust because it connects to something primal; a genetic inheritance meant to support survival.
I once house-sat for a friend and when I asked for the keys, she revealed that they never locked their doors. She wasn’t even sure where the keys might be. Her explanation outlined a philosophy of fear that I had never really thought about: if you make your home a fortress, it invites attack. The energy you put out will draw similar energy back to you. It was a challenging few days for me, being in an unfamiliar 3 storey house and unable to secure the perimeter. I was forced to confront my fears and find a way to calm myself and go to sleep.
I learned that it was a useful exercise to attempt to inventory just what exactly I was afraid of. Here is my list:
- The Bogey Man coming to get me
- Being suffocated in my sleep
- Being raped and/or killed
- Burglars freaking me out
- Monsters attacking me
- Waking up but being unable to speak or move
It was not useful to attempt to counter these fears with rationalizations. Ignoring them made them loom larger. I used to drug myself to sleep but that became problematic in so many ways that I quit. Looking directly at my fears and accepting their existence worked the best. I accepted that I took the risk of injury or death every day anyway; it was a situation over which I ultimately had little or no control.
Learning to manage my anxiety, and calm the irrational fears that I live with takes regular practice. I used to put myself down for having these ‘silly’ fears. Again, this strategy only made the fears stronger, because fears grow in the dark. I soothe my fears the way I would soothe the fears of a child; gently and with compassion. Reminding myself that experiencing fear is a part of my survival skill set. However, panic attacks are another sort of beast altogether.
I had my first panic attack 5 years ago, it coincided with a revelation about why I been smoking for the previous 30 years. I had no experience with the intensity of symptoms that constitute panic and thought that I was having a stroke. The physiological experience of anxiety, fear and panic is real. Our bodies do only what they are meant to do in the presence of certain stimuli. If our brains think it’s real…it’s real. One interesting facet of this situation is that our brains can simulate an imaginary scenario through fantasizing or remembering and our bodies will respond in real-time. For those of us who have experienced trauma, a high level of fear may be associated with memories being triggered and this can be distressingly unpredictable.
I saw an image on the news recently…a little girl so traumatized by a bomb exploding in her neighbourhood, that she was unable to speak and couldn’t stop shaking or crying. This image came from Syria, a country currently under attack, so I would expect that this little girl was just one of many thousands of children who are experiencing the trauma of war and displacement.
The other day, one of my teen students excused herself from the classroom saying she just needed to take a break. When I checked on her, she explained that she was having a panic attack and she was visibly shaking. She was not able to identify what had triggered her. I hear reports of similar experiences from other parents and teachers: children who are unable to tolerate a regular classroom environment, who are feeling overwhelmed and who are suffering a variety of physiological and psychological symptoms. In extreme cases, some children may be unable to tolerate leaving the home or find themselves acting out violently when overstimulated. One of my students, a seven-year-old, confided that he was glad that the Coronovirus didn’t affect kids too much. I understood this as an attempt to extract corroboration from me for something his parents had probably told him to calm his fears about attending class.
One of the most difficult experiences I have as an adult caregiver/teacher/parent of children and teens is the inability to provide safety and security in all situations. I can’t protect them and it breaks my heart.
I teach art, so anything can be discussed in class because everything is relevant to creative self-expression. Creativity may be useful in managing fear and anxiety. In all my classes we discuss real issues that are important to my students. Common themes are emerging and many of them reflect a kind of pessimism or cautious fatalism about the future. The older children and teens are well aware of current affairs and have strong opinions about world issues. Climate change, international politics, human rights, war news and refugees are all part of our everyday reality. Current mobile technologies combined with the internet give access, up close and personal to people and their stories all over the world. The global population is constantly interacting and the pace is accelerating. This kind of frenetic information exchange can be overwhelming, leading to increased anxiety.
The more primitive part of our brain, where fear is born, lacks the complexity to process whether a threat is real or projected. This part of our brain is suspicious of what is new or unknown, such as aliens or the future. Teaching ourselves to use other parts of our brain to moderate fear, and to tolerate discomfort, takes skill and practice. For the developing brains of children and teens, managing anxiety and fear is even more challenging.
I am uncertain whether the times have become chronically uncertain or we are simply continually bombarded with that uncertainty. The world situation is so volatile and new information is being uploaded every second of every minute of every day. There is no quiet, no calm, no space between emergencies. How then do we sleep? What can we teach our children so that they can learn how to survive and thrive in this fear soaked world?
Despite the narrative that dominates mainstream media, safety and security do not come from outside. Money cannot buy you freedom from fear. All the insurance policies in the world will not keep you safe. Acts of nature, the behaviour of other people, the decisions of nations, all of these things are beyond our control. If we focus on what we can influence and control, we can reduce the negative impact of anxiety and fear in our own lives.
Some ideas:
- Expect the unexpected! Sometimes what happens is delightful, hilarious or memorable. Instead of being stuck in fearing the unknown and worrying about what might happen…practice being open, ready, and relaxed.
- Visualize! Worrying is like praying for what you don’t want. Not only is it a complete waste of time, but it may also influence the outcome (a.k.a. quantum physics.) Since we tend to do this anyway, make it a project: Visualize what you do want and do it every day.
- Slow it Down! Slow down your food. Slow down your activity. Slow down your speech. Slow down your driving. Slow down your demand for new entertainment. This takes conscious effort and practice because it goes against the tide (a.k.a. the practice of mindfulness)
- Learn to meditate! Of all the choices, systems, methodologies, and techniques on offer, this is the one surefire life-altering practice. Meditation is key to the most effective antidote to fear…learn to love the monsters in your head!
